The following events could not be published in the NZ Press. The Coroner’s inquest into the death of Daphne had an order put out that nothing on this sad case could enter the media. Directly below is a recent media clip.
Suicide reporting
The Press Council wants more freedom for the print media to write about suicide, rejecting suggestions this would trigger “copycat" deaths. New Zealand's suicide rate was one of the highest in the world and the print media increasingly regarded the issue of suicide as of urgent public interest. But newspapers and magazines still faced restrictions on reporting suicides under the Coroners Act.
The Three Days Prior
Daphne died on Friday 26th January 2001 sometime between 9-30 am and 11-15 am. On the Tuesday Lynda came to stay following her recovery from an operation. Daphne was in excellent spirits and always enjoyed Lynda’s company. We decided to make a day trip to Taupo on the Wednesday and we all seemed to have a great time, Daphne and Lynda visited various shops to look for baby items needed in preparation for the birth of Caleb in May. I saw them approaching me with a swing in their step and they were laughing and talking ten to the dozen, the lunch in the café was nice and we fed the ducks down by the lake over a cuppa on the way home, not one problem. That night Daphne cooked a lovely meal and the next morning Lynda prepared to return to Auckland and left about 11-00 as she intended visiting Mike’s mother, father and sister; they all lived in Taumarunui. We had a normal lunch after she left and earlier in the morning I had been preparing to trim branches off one of the high trees as Daphne wanted more light onto the main lawn. It was during the clean up of the lunch dishes that she seemed to switch totally. She started about the dog incident and I could not reason with her, her eyes appeared glassy and had a milky creamy appearance, something I had never noticed before and it worried me momentarily, it stands out now as a warning sign that I failed to pickup. After a verbal exchange where I tried to reason with her by saying I would talk to the Mayor who I knew well; eventually I got so frustrated I said. “If it makes you any happier I will go and shoot the woman who complained about Honey and burn their house down”. She said to forget about the trees and she would do work for the forthcoming baby in the afternoon (Caleb), I mentioned that was Ok by me but I would carry on as I was set up and would be safe, we had had lots of practice. After about an hour she joined me and we worked together for the rest of the afternoon although the mood was hostile on her part and I made remarks that didn’t help. We know now that the letter from the Council arrived after Lynda had left declaring Honey a dangerous dog and that she needed to be muzzled when off the property, the prospect of this had upset her deeply and she had already purchased a muzzle for Honey which was skinning her nose, she used a white rag with ointment to protect.
We finished about 5-00, normally on such a job I would tidy up and she would bring in the washing and prepare the evening meal but on this day she helped me all the way hence I finished earlier than usual. She was quiet over dinner and had a short phone conversation with Lynda. That night she slept in the spare bedroom; this was normal whenever she was upset, sometimes with me although I’m not certain about this occasion. Next morning I asked her how she was and she said she had not slept well but brought in the usual cup of tea and biscuit to me in bed, this was perfectly normal. It must have been then that she removed the dog chains from the back of the van. I suggested to her that she have a change in Auckland for a few days and I would look after Honey and Bess. In doing so she would support Lynda and visit Sarah and help prepare garments for the baby, she had worked tirelessly on quilting and knitting ever since we were aware of the pregnancy. She said if she went to Auckland we could not afford to go on the camping holiday in February or March, a trip we were planning to the top of the North Island.
That morning I had agreed to help Neville Sanders on fitting a device to his computer and asked her if I should go or would she like me to stay home. She seemed happy enough for me to go and I had noticed she was acting normally like feeding the birds, doing the dishes and hanging out the washing. She did however ask when I would be home and I said about 12-00, it was then about 9-00. I did not open the back of the van so did not notice the chains missing, if I had I would have asked where they were and I guess she would have said “to take the dogs on a walk” although we never used them for that, just to contain them in the van. I drove off and that was the last I would ever see her alive.
The Initial Shock
I came home about 11-45, parked the van and entered through the wicker door into our bedroom; the dogs were inside. I called to her but no answer so went around the house, down the bank calling all the way, even at that stage nothing seemed unusual except the house was not locked and she was particular about security. As it was raining lightly she had hung the washing along the side of the workshop and there was a big sheet right across the garden equipment part of that shed. I opened the shed thinking maybe she was just sitting there in the quiet, I don’t know why but that’s what I thought. As soon as I opened the sheet my life changed forever. She was completely still and hanging from the dog chain; she had climbed a ladder and then kicked it away. All I could say over and over again, “Oh you silly girl, you silly silly girl”. I was in a daze as I went inside, got the side cutters and cut her down, she fell in a heap and I looked for a pulse but there was nothing, I knew she was dead. I then went and dialled 111 and must have been totally incoherent as I followed with a phone call to Neville and he had difficulty establishing whom he was talking to for sometime. I then pulled a cover and pillows off our bed and lay her on the cover and put her head on the pillow.
The police arrived a few minutes later and also an ambulance as I had phoned them after Neville. A detective asked me questions, said he was sorry to do this but if ever they were going to get it right this was the time. More police cars and also Neville. Two ladies from Victim Support turned up. One policeman asked me if there was a note and I said no although they did eventually find one. It was about 1-00 that I phoned Lynda and she went immediately into pieces and even rang back to find out if it was true and a policeman answered and said, “Yes, it is true”. I asked Lynda to contact David, Paul and Gregory and I phoned Janice as felt Toni’s health might not be sound enough, Janice also went to pieces. I also asked Janice to visit Toni and not phone her with the news. Either Toni or Janice arranged for Ross to visit Beth, which was very thoughtful.
About 2-00 the police came and gave me a copy of the suicide note Daphne had left. It went something like this; I did not keep it.
“I hate myself for doing this but can longer live in a town where everyone looks upon me “as scum”. I wanted to take Honey with me but didn’t know how. Dad does not want to leave Taumarunui. Please forgive me Lynda, David, Paul and Gregory. Dad, you will now have to look after Honey. I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered on the Ongarue River down below where I had many happy times, just a simple family only service in the house. The Council can now feel pleased that they no longer have to deal with me.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Mum XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
It was longer than that but it’s all I can remember, but that’s the main bits. Written very well with a clear hand on a single page.
The Coroner (Tim Scott) released the body for burial about 3-00 pm and the police ordered someone to stay with me until the family arrived, there was Neville and the two ladies from Victim Support. They said if this were not possible then one of them would come to be with me, Neville stayed the whole time. I talked a lot and felt absolutely devastated but did not cry on the first day. I have come to the conclusion that a human being can absorb huge tragedy by switching out the higher orders of feelings at times like this and only releasing them as time goes on, anyway that was my experience; that said it was still absolutely horrible and at that stage thought nothing about what was still to come, just one minute at a time. All the police were incredibly kind as were the others.
The family started to arrive after 6-00 and we managed as best we could, there was also Katy and Sarah. Lynda and Mike took my (our) bed and I went to the single bed in the sunroom. I never slept one second that night and seemed to get up all night to go to the toilet. The drapes were not completely pulled and the moon seemed to shine in my eyes all the time and yet I could not get up to block it. Next morning John Coulson and Archdeacon David Tonkin came first, they were from my music group, it was from then I started to cry and this kept coming in uncontrolled waves. After lunch the three sisters arrived with their two husbands and as three Daphne’s seem to be walking towards me I lost it completely, from then on it was endless callers and a funeral to set up with the undertaker.
On the Sunday visitors were still coming in a constant stream and the funeral was finalised. Lynda had been up and down to the mortuary to dress Daphne and late in the day we all went down. I went in by myself, spoke to her as if she was alive; I never saw her again.
Monday was a holiday and I can’t remember much about it then on Tuesday I went with Lynda and Mike to Auckland for the funeral, looking back I don’t know how I ever got through that time, my whole life seemed to have been destroyed. On Wednesday morning, the day of the funeral, I went for a long walk and finished up at Waikumete Cemetery where she was to be buried in the afternoon. I wandered through the old part where three previous generations of Probine’s are settled; Lynda called me on the cell phone but her concerns were unwarranted. I came across a couple about our age tendering their garden with a cat and dog in attendance and I lost it again. The funeral was in No. 1 Chapel at Waikumete, Lorraine Edwards from Taumarunui officiated and about 120 came. My four children and Katy went up to the pulpit and Lynda, David, Gregory and Katy spoke. Katy said that Daphne and her had chatted three weeks previous and she had confided, “Trevor is the best thing that ever happened to me”. That was the only time my name was mentioned. Lynda and I followed the coffin out with Lynda in severe distress, I had arranged for the hymn “The Day Thou Gavest Lord has Ended”. I heard the start of the hymn but only that. We buried her on the highest part of the cemetery with a million dollar view, Mervyn stood by my side. There was the usual get together afterwards at the Kelston Community Centre.
Starting Again
David took me back to Taumarunui to that great empty house, he stayed until the Sunday and Paul also came and stayed until the Sunday week, thank God. About a week after Paul went back to Auckland Neville asked me to dinner and Bill McMinn was there. They did their best but I left early and driving down Golf Rd into the night I thought “After all that and I am the only one here now”. The house was in complete darkness, no welcoming lights although the dogs did their best. Mervyn and Marjorie sent me a cheque for $3,000 for funeral expenses and I banked it back into their account twice, I did the same some weeks later with a small insurance that Daphne had, put it back into the Westpac Trust account. The bank staff suggested from now on they would do all my transactions until I found my feet again, these are subtle things and there were lots of unusual things happening, grief has a strange way of coming out. For instance Daphne did not trust the safety of the local water supply so after a good downpour we would collect it off the roof, filter it and store it. As most of the heavy rain occurs in the night I would be up in my pyjamas doing all the things we once did as a team. Perhaps the biggest impact was late in the afternoon of the day she died when I walked into the dining room and for the first time noticed her slippers on the floor and all the things she used in day to day normal life, that stopped me in my tracks more than anything else, the full shock had arrived. Kindness came from everywhere and we were sent the most beautiful of flower arrangements from England and Australia as well as New Zealand, the cards were endless. I never looked at TV or listened to radio for weeks and Daphne always loved the stimulation of National Radio as I did, even today I never have that station on. Every room in the house had been wired to enable her to listen to whatever she so desired. The early months were spent writing letters and documenting. There was an intense exchange with Waikato Health who had let me down so badly when I sort their help over the way she was behaving. One morning the Mayor and CEO of the Ruapehu District Council turned up with a dossier on the dog incident to prove they were right, I guess they were worried about a legal challenge. I gave them a cup of tea, would not discuss it and sent them on their way. On one trip to Auckland I had a coffee and bun at Pirongia and left my satchel beside the outside table with all my valuable items including the death certificate necessary to sell the house. Discovered this at Mercer and David contacted the cafe from Auckland and I had to turn round and go all the way back, arrived at 7-00 pm and they fed me for free, kindness turns up in some surprising places.
Selling Up
About a month later on a beautiful autumn morning I took Honey and Bess for a walk down by the Ongarue River, something that Daphne did all the time. I was greeted by this beautiful vista looking north up the valley with the river winding through it. This was the first time I became aware that there might be beauty again into the future. One of the most stressful of times was pulling up her garden; it was so extensive and picturesque, another extremely sad day. Often when in the street a police car would stop and ask how I was, one constable even came to the house to ask; only Maori’s kept totally away and some of them I considered good friends, bad vibes for them, suicide. Without the help of Lynda, Val and Johanna I would probably still be there packing up, it was a huge job. David did endless trips to Auckland in a van he kept borrowing and on the last day with my complete family “all hands and the cook helped”. The truck was huge but could not hold it inspite of seven van and trailer loads to the dump. We left some behind at Val’s, which I picked up when I helped her move to Hamilton later in the year.
Resettlement
I stayed with Lynda and Mike for a month and they made me very welcome and comfortable, I immediately started looking far and wide for somewhere to live and eventually settled by auction. No one thought I had a show of securing this place with the money I had. Brian, David and Gregory were with me. Although I believe in God I am not a very religious person but that day I am certain God or Daphne controlled this purchase, it is made for me and I have always felt very secure and safe from the horrors that can descend on one. I can empathise now with anyone who has been widowed or divorced, as my experience was a combination of both. I am certain; as I can be that I was in some way part of the reason why she killed herself. If, with her emotional state at the time she had revenge in mind she was 100% successful.
Reflection
Today I feel I can stand back and feel the privilege of having been married to Daphne, she was totally professional, unselfish, generous, supportive and the most amazing mother of four. I never stopped loving her and this grew as the years progressed, even through the troubled times in the last three years we were together. I was always stimulated by her company and proud to accompany her, for me it felt as if we were one. How she saw the marriage in later years is debatable, you would have to ask her that. That said all the good she did for all of us seemed to be washed away by her last action and I doubt if I will ever feel able to forgive her and have an inner peace within myself, suicide is such a cruel act. As Lynda said, “she knew what she was doing and knew it would work”.
Reactions
On the Sunday two days out from Daphne’s death a couple I had known well in Taumarunui called in at the home to extend their sympathy. I had the house full at the time, my family and also Daphne’s sisters and their husbands. I accepted their gift of food and gave them a brief outline at the front entrance of what had happened; I had been doing this most of the weekend as different folk extended their condolences. The lady then said, “I don’t know how you can stand there and appear so calm”. This took me by surprise, as it seemed uncalled for; everyone handles grief differently. Maybe it was expected that I would be in some uncontrollable state and this did happen at certain critical times. What I do know is that 5 kg of weight was lost within a fortnight and I have never regained it to this day, my trousers were literally falling of me.
New Life
To try and achieve some understanding I went through extensive counselling at Taumarunui Hospital, joined support groups for suicide and became very active in the Suicide Support Group at Lifeline – Auckland. For a good year I could not keep away and I met some amazing and wonderful people cut down when most were least expecting it, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and spouses. Some experienced multiple suicides and one lady had lost a daughter, sister, and two brothers this way within six months. The common denominator in many stemmed from sexual abuse when they were pre teens (Daphne!). Today I am in contact with a select few and have left all that behind, “trying to move on”.
The above is of essence the very briefest of a record of events that has put me where I am today, without my family I would have died of a lonely heart without doubt.
This was in the NZ Herald last Saturday week.
PROBINE.
Daphne Lorraine. In loving memory of a treasured wife, mother, mother in law and nana who passed away on 26th January 2001. Remembered always by Trevor, Lynda, Mike and Caitlin; David; Paul; Gregory, Sarah and Caleb.
Forever in our thoughts and hearts
Saturday, 8 February 2003
The family at Lynda's & Mikes wedding 18th March 1995
From left to right - David, Mum, Lynda, Mike & Gregory
Back - Trevor & Paul
email: paul@emerge3d.com
Mum's grave at Waikumete Cemetery Xmas Day 2005
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